Loss, Pain and Hope

  I have struggled with writing about this topic for quite some time. I'm not sure if I'm ready or if I can do it justice or if it will even help a single soul out there, but at the same time I feel called to write.  It's such a hard topic but my adult life has been coupled with infertility and an inability to carry a child to term. In fact, I am feeling rather emotional because I should be about 36 weeks right now - but at 12 1/2 weeks I miscarried after a complete unexpected yet joyful discovery.
   The first four years of our marriage I struggled with an inability to conceive, we went to fertility specialists and everything was 'textbook' perfect. Even doctors who didn't seem to have much faith said it just wasn't part of the plan at the time.  That honestly was what they told us.  The struggle was amplified by raising my husbands two sons from a previous marriage. They were/are great kids but it was hard to be infertile and have to deal with "someone else's" kids every day.  That may seem harsh to some readers, but that's how it was.  I didn't treat them poorly or with hate.  I treated them with much love and patience.  They were boys after all, and we all know how much adventure comes with little boys!
   I remember when Kristi called me to tell me she was expecting their first baby.  I was so happy for her, but at the same time completely devastated. I sobbed in my closet for what seemed like hours. I begged God to forgive my feelings but at the same time feeling as though everything under my feet was crumbling.  Kristi was a great friend though.  She was extremely sensitive to the situation (probably too much) and never expected me to act a certain way.  When she was six months along, I found out I was expecting.
   Almost as quickly as I had learned about my pregnancy, it ended.  It was so hard, but finally I felt free because everything changed.  I could get pregnant.  There was hope!  When Kristi's baby made his appearance, it was thrilling and I could truly be happy for her.  Just days after his birth, I discovered I was pregnant again. 
   Pregnancy for me is no picnic.  I literally threw up almost every day and often times many, many times a day.  I only gained 17 pounds during my pregnancy.  And, as weird as it sounds the one thing that wouldn't give me heartburn or make me throw up was a chili cheese hotdog with jalepenos, onions and mustard.  I'm not kidding.  Giant dill pickles helped too.  My former supervisor/ loan officer at the bank I worked at used to go across the street and buy me Klondike bars.  Those helped too. 
   Soon, my baby girl - the one I prayed for and hoped for and begged God for came into our lives.  Being a mom for me was a must.  Not everyone feels this way.  But, God knew my heart and knew I needed her.  During the first four years of infertility I made a very conscious effort not to be bitter towards my stepsons for being someone else's.  But, it was a conscious effort.  Satan was very good at deceiving me and putting feel sorry for myself thoughts in my head.  I did struggle with the whole aspect of why a woman who didn't want to take care of her kids could seem to pop them out left and right.  I still do - hey, I'm just being honest here. 
   Since having my daughter, I have experienced three more miscarriages.  Tests have been run and there is no other apparent reason other than it's not meant to be.  I do think that God has given me an unbelievable dose of understanding and strength.  Which leads me to think there must be women out there that I can minister to by telling my story.  I don't know.  This last miscarriage really rocked my world though.  It had been about 4 years since the last one and I really felt that there were no more babies or conceptions in my future.  I'm getting old.  Then, it dawns on me that I had been missing something for a couple of months!  At first it was, "oh my goodness!"  Then it was, "OH MY GOODNESS!" But all in a good way.  Of course I knew I 'd be getting some backlash from by husband's family - he's the baby of 7 and he was 46...but we were OK with it, so it really didn't matter to us.  Instead of morning sickness, I was sick most of the night and saw it as a good sign.  Then it happened.  It's funny how people can be insensitive without meaning to.  I had one friend ask why I told people so early - I guess it was early, especially for my track record. But I was so excited and surprised and I've never been good at keeping my secrets.  I told my friends at about 10 weeks.  I was sick, I thought it would all be OK.  Then, one day at the pool, I was still going through the process, but took MalPal to swim with Kristi and her brood - another friend came up and started in on "I heard our doctor is going to stop delivering babies - if that's the case I'm going to work on #4 right away"  Well, that was my OB doctor too and it just really hurt to the core of my being.  It didn't at that moment, but it has over time. 
   I know that people don't know what to say in any situation regarding loss.  And, to those that have never experienced a miscarriage, it doesn't even seem like it was a real loss. But, for those of you that haven't had to suffer through one, it is  a loss.  It is something that makes us hopeful mommys feel inadequate.  I suffered hugely about what I did wrong during my pregnancy.  I didn't even drink my 1/2 cup of coffee, took my vitamins and ate lots of organic (from my own garden) vegetables.  I slept, moderately exercised and went to the doctor immediately at 8 weeks to have blood work done to ensure all was well.  And still, I lost the baby.  To think that, as a mother, you can't even protect your baby when it's in the safest place on earth - it's heartwrenching, bone chilling painful.  So, when someone you know loses a baby - no matter how far along they are- just give them a hug and let them cry.  Some may need to vent and allow them to, but please be mindful of what you say.  Because what you say in this time of crisis for them will stay with them forever.
  At the urging of my dear friend Kristi and my exceptionally smart RN friend Heather I went to the recommended doctors appointment two weeks after.  That was quite possibly the most alone I had ever felt and believe me I have been alone a lot in my life.  My husband offered to go, but then couldn't for work related reasons.  So off I went with MalPal.  The longer I was there, the more terrified I became. Not that my doctor in any way gave me reasons to be scared, but my imagination began running away with itself.  I, at one point, convinced myself that maybe God made me pregnant so I'd go to the doctor and discover I had cancer.  Or what if it was a tubal pregnancy was another thought right before the sonogram.  I know that because MalPal was there, I was stuffing down my fears and emotions.  It's almost embarassing to think how distraught I would have been if I didn't have someone there that I had to hold it together for.  I remember I did have to pull over on the way home so I could just cry.  MalPal just held me and cried too.  What a heartbreaker for a 9 year old to go through. 
   Over the years, God has given me the grace to deal with infertility and miscarriages.  Unfortunately, I haven't felt his grace this time around.  I feel completely alone, inadequate and to some extent abandoned.  As my 'due date' approaches, I feel those emotions running high again.  I know I'll get through it and I know that even though I don't necessarily feel Jesus' presence, He is here with me. 
   If you are suffering from a miscarriage, I don't have wonderful words of wisdom for you.  I don't even have words of encouragment for you.  Same if you suffer from infertility.  I'm sorry.  What I do know is that even when you feel most alone and cannot take another breath, God is with you.  He loves you.  He is with you.  And, if you haven't asked God to love you and take care of you then do so.  Because He will.  That's what He wants most, to be the first person you turn to in joy and in sorrow.  He is the Creator of the Universe and that includes you.  He died for you on that cross to save your soul and to spend eternity in heaven with him.  When you accept Jesus Christ as Redeemer, Savior and Lord you can be sure of your gift of eternity in heaven with your beautiful little babies that you were never able to hold.  Just ask Him, only He can make it happen.  Meanwhile, I'll continue praying for every woman out there that hopes to hold a baby of her own... blessings to you all and thanks for reading.